Wednesday, March 04, 2015

My First Glimpse of Porn

We might as well continue all this dirty talk. And since I have confessed here my fondness for Japanese porn, I’d like to tell you about the first porn movie I’ve seen when I was a little girl… I mean boy. I think all boys and some girls go through that discovery. It will start with those uncanny sensations in those private parts and the hounding curiosity about it and the things it could do to a person.

And then there’s the suggestion of bigger boys to fondle your private part. You understand that it feels good but it must be done in secret, especially if the other boy is doing that to you.

I grew up in a very conservative Catholic family that eventually converted to a very conservative Protestant persuasion. Sex and masturbation and porn are definitely taboo. We don’t discuss those things. I don’t even talk about it with my sister and parents. Sex was something that we hope for the young members of our family to discover in the most discreet, conservative and appropriate way.

I discovered it in the most inappropriate and indiscreet manner, the way I understood my homosexuality.

The first porn materials I collected as a horny little boy were those sexy comic strips you usually find in those Filipino tabloids. And of course, I discovered Xerex. We usually have broadsheets, specifically Philippine Daily Inquirer. I got hold of those tabloids thru this man who worked in our house.

My grandmother noticed the presence of those newspapers, and in her most imperial Catholic gesture, she banned all tabloids from that house. Until today, you won’t see any reading material smaller than the Inquirer broadsheet.

My knowledge of (twisted) sex was enriched thanks to Xerex. I understood what sex could look like but I haven’t seen anything real. I can only conjure up sketches and imaginations in my mind, but not the real thing.

A few days after healing my wounds from my circumcision, we were in Muntinlupa visiting our relatives. I was in my uncle’s room hiding from the scorching summer heat outside the house when I suddenly saw a VHS tape. I remember its title- The Reel World 2. I was bored at the time and curious so I put it in the VCR player and there I saw it- hardcore sex in its full color and glory. My eyes were wide open, hormones running all over my body- from the bones to the tip of my newly blooming pubic hair. I thought that was the most wonderful and marvelous thing that ever happened to me that summer.

Then it was all automatic; all natural. I released all the tension that built up inside me. I felt different after that. I knew that something changed in me, some knowledge was implanted in me. I guess that was the feeling when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. It tasted so good, and as soon after they savored the bountiful fruit all the knowledge of the world opened their eyes, making them realize their nakedness, the humiliation, and the guilt.

That VHS tape was my forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge and evil. During my recent trip to the Philippines, I found the cassette tape in my room. I thought of taking it with me back to Italy, just a souvenir.

And that was the early chapters of my sex education.

People usually would fear that kids who saw porn might grow up promiscuous. Not in my case. Unfortunately. I have become a prude. A puritan. But thank God I am not asexual. But my puritan life is just another story.

So this is the first chapters of my real world sex education. And this I say to the cast of that porn movie- wherever you are Lacey Rose (the only woman who could really give me a hard-on) and Nick East (my first favorite porn actor), I still hope you keep it up. And if you have AIDS or herpes or whatever, just stay away from everybody else please.  

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Reading Porn, Reading and Porn

There are many things that are a lot better than 50 Shades of Grey- a good book and literature, and a good porn movie to jack off with.

Yes. And I think I have discovered something that will definitely unite all book-worms and literary intellectuals and nymphomaniacs and chronic masturbators together in one accord, like a big orgy party. They can actually organize a convention on this, make it public so we can finally scrap that 50 Shades of Shit.

It was one of those summer nights when I had a lot of time in my hands and I was doing some cultural research on Japanese innuendos and fetishes and… ok fine! I was looking up some Japanese porn. Yes, Japanese porn is like an exotic food, you know. It’s like sushi- really twisted and weird, but very tasty. Except that it is freakin’ pixilated.

So there I was, doing my most favorite guilty pleasure- Japanese porn. And I’m very choosy. I have certain predilections for certain productions and certain straight AV actors. And there was this one particular movie clip that left me in awe.

The movie began with this scene set in a far-away countryside in Japan. The female actor, a housewife (they’re always housewives) was taking care of her husband, a former soldier who was handicapped because of the war (I really did not understand the dialogue but there were certain suggestive elements. In porn, one can exert all his efforts to understand every minute detail). Of course, in adult entertainment, this means the woman pulls out her boobies to calm her husband who was having a nervous breakdown. The wife shows she’s not happy because she kinda misses the boom-boom-pow. She gets action from the woodsman who usually shows up and takes care of some stuff in their household. And my oh my, that AV actor knows how to pound!

The characters, the plot, and the setting were so familiar that I wasn’t touching myself. That’s the fucking truth! Later on I realized, that I have already read this. Alas! D.H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

D.H. Lawrence was an English novelist who shocked Western civilization because of the explicit plot and his depiction of sexual activity, concepts that were not conventional in the early 20th century, in his novel Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

I was really amazed. It couldn’t be a coincidence. The film director of this trash is a genius. A fucking genius. I bet not all who watched it noticed the plot.

I did some more research and found out that there’s actually a Japanese porn flick entitled Lady Chatterley in Tokyo, a 70’s porn movie (more like a softcore porn today). But this one that I’m talking about is a legit porn- with all those bad acting and hardcore banging.

You know how porn movies are- bad acting, stupid lines, idiotic plot, and awesome supernatural banging.

But what’s the meaning of this? Are AV directors finally adopting materials from the literary world? If that’s the case, then I am the happiest loser on earth!  

Friday, February 27, 2015

Post-Aquino Worst Case Scenarios

In case we actually become successful in kicking PNoy’s ass out of Malacañang. Here’s what will happen after.

  1. The Binay Ascendancy and a Furious Senate- Binay will be crowned the top asshole of Malacañan Palace, and his spawn will be there to engulf all light emanated by journalists’ cameras. Sorry to burst your bubble but why not Binay? Why are we so afraid of such darkness when majority of us are actually voting for thick-skinned/onion-skinned/God-abiding/womanizing actors and soulless political dynasts? I mean hello? Last time I heard, a convicted plunderer came third in the presidential race. There’s really no need to fear an interim government under Binay because the ambitious amoebae in the Senate will be there to barge in every political effort of the Vice President. The Senate was able to destroy people like Senator Manny Villar and the former Chief Justice Renato Corona. I won’t be surprised if they will come after someone like Binay.
  2. A Post-Binay Scenario- What would happen if Aquino steps down? Binay will rise to power, and then he will be forced to step down because the Cabinet and other political factions do not like him. The truth is, not many like Jejomar Binay because he has the means and the position to become the president. And nobody in Philippine politics likes political progress, especially that of their rivals. Binay won’t be able to handle the pressure (although it’s quite unlikely), thus giving way to a new political era. The thing is, there are a lot of assholes and idiots in the government. Never underestimate assholes and idiots especially when they are organized as a group. They will eventually prevail. Even the CBCP will bless such political entity.
  3. The Philippine Jurassic Era- Of course there will be political mayhem, and there’s no guarantee that the constitutional provisions of the succession will be implemented. In this chaos, the greedy, the asshole, and the idiot will join forces together, gather all their foulest political spawn and rule over this political jungle. They will not behave as ‘buwaya’. They will behave like thick-skinned power-hungry political dinosaurs. The stupid masa will celebrate like devolved primates.
  4. A Star-Studded EDSA Sequel with Kris Aquino as the Ultimate Joan of Arc- Because nobody wants Binay to be president, the people of the Philippines will occupy all streets, especially their favourite, the most monstrous of all roads in the Philippines- the Epifanio De Los Santos Avenue, or commonly known as “Yang Pakshet na Putanginang EDSA na yan”. And through the brilliance of those who are actually in charge of the Liberal Party, the movement will be led by none other then the Self-Proclaimed Queen of All Media, Her Royal Tulo, Kris Aquino with her entourage of beauty queens, Dingdong Dantes and Marian Rivera, and of course, the ambitious Sen. Chiz Escudero and his poor wife Heart Evangelista, and all the glitter and glamour will be there, because the masa will not understand its ideals. And eventually, the Royal Tulo will be president of the Philippines. Presumably, we will live happily ever after.
These are just some of my theories. And each theory has a 99% probability to happen. I mean, this is a country where a plagiarizing senator is venerated and doctors are exported to become nurses in other countries- if these things actually happen here, then who’s to say that my theories are far from becoming the next worst nightmare of our country?

Mabuhay ang EDSA Revolution! 

Friday, February 20, 2015

The Unveiling of the Big Fat Buddha

I will always remember these 50 days of vacation in the Philippines. I've been to many places, ate all kinds of food like there's no tomorrow, and did many things I never thought I would do (except getting laid; I'll get to that part later on, perhaps here in Italy).

The best of these experiences was when I finally met some bloggers that I've been following for a long time.

I met the Olympian matriarch who has made a mark in our blogger community. She chatted with me for hours and gifted me with words of the Universal Potentate Jessica Zafra.

I met the young lady who could've been my girlfriend if it weren't for my proclivity for penises. I thought of her as the perfect academician to head the ministry of education as we shared our frustrations over the future of the school and students, and of course, our frustration over our own quasi-existing love-life.

I met the fairest pink lady who manages her wealth well and promises to be a future magnate and wife.

I met the clever and accomplished writer among the multitude of bloggers.

I finally met my idol- he who shares with me the utmost hatred for Nancy Binay; he who shares with me the love for anything that is hateful in politics; he who shares with me the hatred for jejemons and anything stupid; the wittiest and funniest of them all; he who exudes humour among friends, and could spit venomous fire against enemies (read: Bianca Gonzalez)

And last but not the least, he who is as pleasing as the pine-scented morning breeze of Baguio. He who had this idea of going to Sagada, but I didn't want to, because I was afraid I might fall… off the cliff. And now I feel bewitched, bothered, and bewildered.

Great moments are meant to be shared with wonderful people. Thank you for the time. Thank you for the gifts. And I hope this could be the start of a meaningful friendship. Because who knows, one day baka maka-utang din ako sa inyo ng walang interes. Hehehe!

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

That Thing Called Ang Paghahanap ng Sarili In the Most Unlikely Places

Where do broken hearts go nga ba? Hindi naman nasagot ni Mareng Whitney ang katanungan na ito. Kaya sa movie ng "That Thing Called Tadhana" ang sagot nito ay sa Roma, Baguio, Sagada at Manila. Panoorin niyo na lang ang movie.

Napaisip lang ako dun sa isa sa mga topics na napagusapan nila sa movie- ang paghahanap ng sarili. Ang tendency talaga ng mga broken-heart o yung mga taong naghahanap ng pag-ibig ay hanapin nila ang sarili.

Bakit nga ba hinahanap ang sarili? Because we lose ourselves when we fall into the trap of love. And when we find ourselves out of love, we lose a part of us and when we look at the mirror, we cannot recognize the reflection we see in there. Kaya siguro hinahanap namin (oo, kami talaga) ang sarili namin in the most unlikely places
So they go to places like Europe para tumunganga sa kung anu-ano. At pati na rin sa Baguio. Siguro dahil malamig, masarap mag-muni-muni. Pero pano mo naman makikita ang sarili mo sa pagmumuni-muni?

Ako, I went to look for it in Palawan. At I found love in Puerto Prinsesa. At sa Baker's Hill pa.

That's a big love di ba? Hahahaha

Sige, I have to sign off now at hahanapin ko pa ulit ang sarili ko, somewhere in Baguio.