Wednesday, June 24, 2015

My Best Friend the Bugaw

My bestfriend is always concerned about my social life and my love-life. He always has a roster of the fairest men of the land to offer me every now and then. They’re mostly young urban professionals from the Philippines or from somewhere in Italy and Europe.

One time I told him as a joke if he could find me a guy because I’m too busy to hangout around clubs and bars, or too tired to go out. And then he started showing me pictures of sexy and cute guys. Recently, he asked me if I would be interested to check out this young doctor in the Philippines who is gay, very intelligent, likes politics, and über rich (yes, I can really be a cheap whore when I am financially desperate). Take note: a friend of his.

Right now he’s in the Philippines, hanging around with this doctor.

Sometimes I wonder if he’s really straight. I mean he is always in the company of some gay guy when he travels abroad or whenever he’s in the Philippines. Add the fact also that I, his bestfriend, am gay. The cute guys (both straight and gay) are always drawn to him for some reason, and he always befriend the cute guys (supladito din kasi). The ever increasing number of pamintas and confirmed queens in his social circle really puts his sexual persuasion in doubt.

He’s an aficionado of show business and entertainment. If I am the political animal who dwells in the show business of the ugly, he’s the one who persists in the world of the beautiful and glamorous. I guess that’s how a photographer would live his life- surrounded by beauty. And in the business of vanity and beauty, gay people are the masters of the secrets of such world, so I guess it’s inevitable for him to have gay friends. Maybe I’m just envious because he always gets the attention.

He’s really a head-turner. Whenever we go down town, some pimanta would simply stare at him. He’s tall and good-looking too, cool and stylish. Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to make eye-contact with guys and your prospect is distracted by your better-looking friend?

Or maybe he simply has the eyes for beauty. He had girlfriends and courted girls who look like models, including a cousin of mine. He never had a history of going out with an average-looking girl. He had handsome male protégés like this douchebag from England and even that cousin of mine who has been my object of lust for a certain period of time was always all over him. Argh! My goddamn friends!

I really wouldn’t mind if he were gay. If he were, then I’d be happy and I’ll try to distance myself from him when I’m on the hunt for a man, because I wouldn’t win against him. But if he’s straight, I am ok with it, since he accepted me for who I am, and he’s been very patient with me being an asshole most of the time.

Whatever the case is, I still love this guy. He’s very kind and very thoughtful. He is one of my finest treasures in life (and I hope he would make me rich somebody, somehow). I owe a lot to him and I really feel like my life wouldn’t be complete without him. It’s not like I’m in love with him. I’m in love with my other best friend but that’s another story. It’s just that I think we have a special relationship because we’re both so different and yet it feels like we were made for each other to become best buds, just like the image here- me, the shit, and him, the perfumed, ultra-soft, hypo-allergenic, resistant toilet paper. 

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Balikan Natin si Manny

Nung natalo si Manny Pacquiao, wala akong ginawa kundi mag update ng status ko kung gaano ako kasaya. I even organized a small party sa bahay dedicated to his defeat. Obviously walang pumunta, ako na lang uminon ng champagne at ng sushi rolls na ginawa ko.

Malaki ang problema ko kasi kay Manny. As an athlete I do respect him and honor him. Pero I hate him as one of the leaders of the Philippines.

He’s an absentee congressman. Kung sincere ka talaga na gusto mong iahon ang Pilipinas mula sa kagaguhan all around us, you have to be in the plenary or be present in committee hearings to defend your bills.

He has authored/sponsored a total of 14 bills and resolutions, all of which are pending in the House of Representatives. Isama pa natin diyan ang kanyang opposition sa RH Law.

Ang nakakainis kasi dito ay ang pagkakaunawa ng marami na ang trabaho ng congressman ay maging guest speaker sa graduations at inaugurations, mamudmod ng pera, at mag finance ng mga NGO’s.

Well, nakita naman natin na hindi talaga dapat ganon (remember Napoles and her minions and barkadas?). A congressman MUST LEGISLATE, DEFEND HIS BILLS ON THE FLOOR, AND MAKE SURE THOSE BILLS BECOME LAWS THAT WILL BE RESPECTED, EXECUTED, AND OBSERVED.

Kaso busy sa pagpapapogi. Hindi porket born-again ka na eh mabait ka na. These pastors must admit that even their champion is nothing but an ambitious power-monger. And the church must stop encouraging all these shenanigans.

I see another Joseph Estrada in all of this. Hallelujah, praise the Lord!

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Madam Reclusive Legislator and the Incarnate Bitch Assistant

We usually say “Drawing na naman.” whenever a plan to do something never happens or never materializes. It’s the same thing with this female legislator who came here to Italy.

I was supposed to meet this female legislator. Of course, an informal meet up, through the herculean efforts of my dear friend who’s working in the diplomats’ circles.

Wala naman talagang usapan na magkikita kami. Hello? Di naman kami bestfriends. Pero usually kasi, kapag ikaw ay isang high profile politician sa Pilipinas, the least you can do to Filipino communities abroad is to set up a meet-and-greet-kind-of-shit thing.

Walang ganong klaseng ka ekekan. According to my source, she came here as a private individual and has no official duty to carry out, although idinamay na rin yata ang trabaho niya sa trip na ito.

But that’s fine with me. At least alam ko nagtatrabaho siya. She’s actually dedicated sa advocacy niya and I am also a big fan.

The same wouldn’t be said about her assistant who is the Incarnate Bitch.

Sabi ng source ko, sobrang demanding ang potah, akala mo siya ang legislator. She was so bossy na inuutusan niya ang isang high ranking official diplomat ng Pilipinas para gawin ang mga menial jobs tulad ng magbitbit ng kanilang gamit, ang mag pa connect sa internet, at kung anu-ano pa.

I am not sure kung ganon ba talaga lahat ng top aides ng legislators. But this one’s going to mess up the reputation of the good lady legislator.

Medyo bad trip nga itong Philippine diplomat sa kanya. Binigyan na nga ang lady legislator ng dalawang secretaries to tend to their needs pero ang putang assistant laging gustong utusan yung diplomat.

Ito yung sinasabi ng mga expats dito na “ugaling Pinas”- yung mga edukadong gago na kung makautos sa kapwa eh parang siya ang may-ari ng Pilipinas.

I am really sorry for lady legislator. Nakausap ko din ang diplomat na ito and I offered my services to be the tour guide para sa nalalapit nilang official visit. I might meet the Incarnate Bitch in person and the Reclusive Lady Legislator herself.

Kwentuhan ko na lang ulit kayo sa susunod.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

The Doctor Who Knew Everyone (or that Guy Who's Bitchin' About Everything and Power-tripping All the Way Here From The Philippines)

I got another scoop from my friend about this supposedly famous doctor who barged into a Philippine diplomatic office together with his family to report that their passports were lost. Well, you couldn’t blame people with small brains. They always need help.

At the time, my friend was a volunteer worker in this Philippine diplomatic office. And she had to face this bunch of idiots who talk like Kris Aquino. Imagine, four Kris Aquinos talking all at the same time. Anak ng putakte magpapakamatay ako o ako ang makakapatay.

Pero medyo may bait ang friend ko that day. So tinanong niya ano ang problema ng kumag.

The doctor from Quezon started to tell their misfortune and then proceeded finally to demand that they should be given the required documents so they can travel back to the Philippines.

Note- the son of a bitch DEMANDED the required documents.

Siguro medyo hyped-up pa si doc at naka panic mode ang mga Kris Aquino versions niyang pamilya. Pero to demand something mula sa isang Philippine diplomatic office na walang authority na mag release ng mga documents na hinihingi niya ay sobra pa sa over-dramatic at overwhelming kagaguhan.

Yan ang mahirap minsan sa ating mga Pilipino. We always feel entitled to something. Lalu na yang mga katulad ni doc na nakatira sa isang exclusive subdivision somewhere in Quezon. He claimed to know a certain diplomat, a certain government official working in the Department of Foreign Affairs, and a certain Tuta of Malacañang.

Maraming connections si doc. Sayang at hindi na sinabi sakin ng friend ko dahil alam niyang ikakalat ko ito or magbibigay ako ng tip sa mga political blind-item writers sa mga iba’t-ibang publications. If you are in government at kaibigan mo ang kumag na ito, nakakahiya ka. Ginagamit niya ang pangalan mo para magkaroon ng special treatment.

Parang ala-ala ni Donya Victorina
So pinakalma ni friend ang mga Kris Aquino marionettes, made some phone calls sa embassy. She made it sure that it would be easy for these noble people of the Philippines to get what they want (simply because she wants them to shut up for once). She explained to them that this certain diplomatic agency has no legal right to produce such documents but they can help to deliver it to them and let them have a smooth exit from Italy.

Thankful naman ang kumag. Sabi pa niya susulatan daw niya ang Secretary ng DFA and tell him about their situation, at magbibigay daw siya ng magandang feedback sa service na ginawa nila.

Naturally, the doctor, just like his politician friends, blurted out empty statements and empty promises. As if may mababago sa kalagayan ng diplomatic office na ito through the help of his letter. Anak ng pating! It’s been more than 10 years na self-sufficient ang diplomatic office na ito na walang funding from the DFA. And imagine the billions of pesos na umiikot sa mga kamay ng congressmen, AND THE BILLIONS OF PESOS NA PA-GIVE AWAY NILA PARA SA BANGSAMORO STATE.

Ewan ko ba. Lately puro mga tae ang bumibisita sa Italy. Philippines, please, enough shit!   

On Florence Korea Film Fest and Hot Professors

Scarlet Innocence is the only movie I saw at the 13th Florence Korea Film Fest this year, and it took me back to those years of my youth when I was a walking flesh of raging hormones who did nothing else but be nerdy and fantasize about his male professors.

It’s the story of an illicit affair between the handsome-but-pervy university professor and a dull-pero-nasa-loob-ang-kulo-na-medyo-malandi girl of a dreary small town. He was running away from a scandal (he was having an affair with one of his students) and she was trying to find any spark of inspiration in all four corners of her godforsaken hometown. The relationship ended badly once the sexy teacher has banged her mercilessly like a bunny in heat and had to go back to Seoul since the scandal was over.

And as a rule, never break the heart of a girl who broke her vagina for you for the very first time. She followed the bastard and planned her revenge very well. The hot professor was not only still banging young slutty students, he was already at the peak of his success as a writer. And from the heights of his fame, she dragged him down to failure by destroying everything he has, even his family. Unfortunately, she has no idea what’s in store for her as she slowly reach the final steps of her goal.

As always, Koreans did it again with this masterpiece by Yim Pil-sung. It is actually a modern day re-telling of a classic Korean folktale. The 2014 movie features actor Jung Woo-sung and Esom.

I never had a sexy literature professor. I didn’t have the need of one to be interested in literature. But there was this school teacher when I was in elementary. He was our beloved vice principal. He was handsome and so tall that when I was near him I had the chance to stare at his crotch all the time. I always came late for school and as punishment we had to face the vice principal. And he was so hot. I considered myself lucky to have the hot guy in a room talk to me while I was sitting on a chair and he was standing in front of me, with his crotch right in front of me, almost every morning. I salivated most of the time.

Ah memories of childhood!

And speaking of hot professors, ladies and gentle-lady-men, may I present to you the future of the youth- Prof. Pietro Boselli, the crème de la crème of Italian male beauty, and we really don’t care about his brains.

He’s a researcher and a lecturer at some American university. I mean he’s so hot I didn’t even cared to know the name of the university.

But even if he were my teacher, I don’t think I’ll be even interested in maths. I just hate it. But I would definitely be present everyday in his class.

If I were the president of the university, I’d fire him. This beauty is simply annoying, and distracting, and a real liability for a university!