Monday, September 29, 2014

Usapang Pekpek: Vagina Monologues (Filipina Flavor)

Though I am not a vagitarian (God knows I often crave for hotdogs and sausages), still the vajayjay fascinates me. Its complexities, its colour, its power to inspire, and its power to drive all men crazy. It is the ultimate secret weapon of women to dominate all men (except for those who are of a different persuasion or those who have no sexual urge at all).

Long time ago I’ve heard about the Vagina Monologues, an episodic play by Eve Ensler. A series of play that has various themes about the vagina, sex, womanhood, and many other social issues in which the vagina is involved.



Now what if some segments of the monologues feature some of the most influential and famous Filipinas? What do you think they’d talk about?   

Inspired by commedian Mario Cantone, here’s the Philippine edition of the Vagina Monologues. Have fun with my political incorrectness!

(for those who are born humourless or brainless, the fucktards who likes to face the public though they are onion-skinned, the following statements are not true)

Anne Curtis- My vagina can swallow you, your friends and this club, and it can even shriek with a soprano voice like a pig while it is being slaughtered.


Paula Jamie Salvosa- So ya think my vagina’z alayer? No! It’s now a preacher!



Sharon Cuneta- My vagina is just as big as a mega star.



Nora Aunor- My vagina could’ve been a National Artist, pero walang himala! Walang himala!



Marian Rivera- My vagina is the most beautiful in this country because it’s psychology.



Claudine Barretto- My vagina is not a badass bitch. It can kick an old man’s ass or my husband’s, but it’s not a badass bitch.



Imelda Marcos- When they searched my vagina, they didn’t see skeletons, just my 3000 pairs of shoes.



Sen. Pia Cayetano- My vagina has beauty and brains and it can run anywhere- marathons, senatorial, it could even run for the vice presidency.



Charice Pempengco- My vagina likes other vaginas. It’s not a big loss for me. Is yours a biritera like mine? No. Because mine’s a pure fucking talent man! I hit high notes and bring my girl to orgasm!



Kristina Halili- My vagina was a one week topic in a Senate hearing because it unwillingly swivelled to the tune of Careless Whisper with some dickhead.



Heart Evangelista- My vagina likes an ugly bamboo-like dick, and everybody’s asking why.



Annabelle Rama- Don’t you dare threat my vagina! It’s not afraid of your vagina!



Mommy D- My pikpik is still ready for gimik.



Vilma Santos- My vagina wants to thank that tactless bitch. She is so bless…



Kris Aquino- My vagina is the ultimate tactless bitch queen of all media. Wait, lemme tweet that and post it in my FB. Daaaahrrrlllaaaaah? Where na you? We will talk about my shit and my vagina. Nownah!



Jessica Soho- My vagina does not find rape amusing.



Deniece Cornejo- My vagina is a joke. It’s a crime scene where anything can happen in a minute. Even rape.



Congresswoman Gloria Arroyo- Hello Garci? I just want you to know that my vagina will not step down. I am sorry.



Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago- My vagina is allergic to stupid and old. It is specifically adverse to Revilla, Estrada, and above all, to that old dick Enrile.



Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales- Are you assailing the constitutionality of my vagina?



Atty. Gigi Reyes- My vagina likes antique phallic things.



Janet Napoles- My vagina likes to suck humongous pork barrels. That’s probably the reason why it’s bleeding a lot here in the hospital.



Sen. Nancy Binay- My vagina has nothing to do with those shady businesses in Makati. It’s always squeaky clean and immaculate. In fact, it will be a hospital and take care of sick politicians accused of corruption and other crimes.



And last but not the least….

Piolo Pascual- My vagina is just a rumor.



Friday, September 19, 2014

Overdrive Italia 2014- Seventh Day: Milan, or Whatever Happened to that Love Letter

On the seventh day, the penniless dreamer drove all the way to Milan, together with his friends. Restless, carrying a burden in his heart.

In a previous entry, nasabi ko noon kung gaano ka-intense ang levels ng anxiety at frustration ko noong nagsulat ako ng love letter para sa aking minamahal.

Madaming nag-react. May mga nag advise na nakakadiri daw, huwag ko na ituloy. May nagsabi ituloy ko daw kung wala daw akong lakas ng loob na sabihin ng harapan sa minamahal ang lihim na pag-ibig.

Well, hindi ko na naibigay yung letter. At hindi ko na rin nasabi ang katotohanan. Di bale na lang. Kaya dito ko na lang siguro i-post. Mukhang hindi naman love-letter ang kinalabasan. Parang apologia pa ang kinalabasan. Anyway, dahil trip ko to, eh enjoy reading the letter. Ma amuse kayo. O mandiri kayo. Wapakels lang. Hehehe…

Dearest,

I love you. I always have, and I always will.

Before the end claims me, I just want to tell you how much you mean to me, and that you were everything to me. You were always my dream and fantasy. And I clearly understand that, as God stands against me, and Truth is raw and cruel, I will never ever claim that heart of yours for my keeping. But I love you, no matter what. I can’t help it. It’s like what wise men say, only fools rush in when falling in love.

I never thought that I’d fall for someone like you. From the very beginning you were not the kind of guy I’d fall for. But then I’m not really surprised to love every aspect of you. You’re that kind of person who is easy to love- always smiling; sympathetic, easy to be with, full of life. You have the brightest smile and the gentlest face I’ve ever seen. It seems that God was in a good mood when you were born. Of course, I’m drunk with romanticism; love has altered my vision.

I can never establish an explanation on how friendship between us came into being. You’re the incarnation of a good-hearted light spirit. On the other hand, I’m a mercurial creature, hard to know, and harder to love; constantly consumed in his fiery rage against everything.

I never understood the cosmic relevance of how our lives were intertwined. And I will never appreciate God’s sense of humour of having you cross my path when I promised Him to walk in the way of righteousness, even if it means the need to embrace celibacy and solitude. Was it God’s way of having a good time? A cosmic and comical divine joke? I will never know. No one will know for His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. And his joke is really in bad taste. In the community of our faith, some would say that it is part of God’s grand design, that everything has a purpose in life, and perhaps knowing you has a big part in my life.

I am kin to sorrow since childhood, bound to it by fear of being banished by my own family and the fear of being denounced by the Church I loved and served. It’s been almost three decades of terrible winters- a life crafted with various fabrics of falsehoods and hundred shades and colours of deception.

And now that the truth is here, I have no place anymore in your life. Haven’t you heard? It is not fitting for Christ’s servants to be seated next to the immoral- yes, an immoral like me- one who has never known any flesh other than his. It’s unthinkable that any member of the brotherhood should share everything with the incarnation of the word abomination. I’ve heard it preached from the pulpit by apostles and prophets, by the very people whom I loved and served. And from the pulpit, I preached and taught the same tirade to the youth, as if I was sealing my own death warrant and reading my own death sentence. The things we do for the love of God, for the approval of a family, and the salvation of one’s soul.

But now I choose to give up this so-called eternal life so I can live in truth and sincerity. I choose the abomination so that I will not live a life of hypocrisy. Sometimes I ask myself if I’m the one who’s really fucked up or God intentionally fucked up everything in my life.

Sorry for such pompous writing and my profuse verbosity. You know me when it comes to letters.

The thing is I really can’t stop thinking about you. You are my blessing. You’ve been very patient with me, very understanding and supportive. You were my best friend. Your smile gives me a glimpse of paradise and your voice soothes the wars within my soul. You can make me smile. You can give me peace. You are one of the few people I trust. And at the same time you are also my curse.

As for your true beloved, I seek nothing but her well-being. She makes you happy and she loves you. And I ask God that may she live a long life with you, a future filled with hope and love. And it makes me happy to see and know that you have a great future with her and with all the happiness in the world. I just hope she can love you as much as you love her.

When the truth comes out, I’ll be waiting for my fathers to bring down their judgement and my eventual ruin from the ecclesiastical pedestal which I pompously built in time. I see no purpose anymore to work in the ministry and advance the cause for mankind’s redemption when the very culture of our Church requires me to live in hypocrisy. I can’t live like that any longer.

Let us end it here- our friendship and brotherhood- for no follower of Christ must be associated with someone like me, and that the gates of paradise are closed for sodomites like me. Though I am worse than a beast, don’t I still have the right to love and live happily?

I am really sorry if you will be upset. I am sorry if malicious comments and gossips would trouble you and the others. But I will never ever be sorry for falling in love with you, and for loving you more than anything and anybody else in this world.

I will move on in life. I might meet men and fall in love again. But you will always have a special place in my heart. Wala eh. Lakas ng tama. Tang’na talaga oh.



Hopelessly devoted you,



T.G.

Overdrive Italia 2014- Sixth Day: Sirmione and La Diva Divina

Coming to Sirmione was a special experience for me. A special treat actually. I had the chance to walk on the soil where the feet of La Diva Divina, the great soprano singer, Maria Callas, once tread.

I love opera. In those days when I was involved in a choir and was offered roles in certain stage plays and musicals, I thought I had a promising future in classical music. I saw myself as the next famous baritone singer (I lack the vocal chords of a tenor) and be called Il Barone of Opera. I was too ambitious. I was inspired by Maria Callas and her life, and how she struggled to become an icon.

I couldn’t be admitted to the international conservatory in the nearby town because of two reasons- one, I lack the basic elements of classical music training, and two, the school was almost exclusively for the well-off families. It was really expensive. And I was simply the son of a domestic helper and a factory worker.

Now, when I have stopped dreaming of it, all of a sudden they opened a public school that specializes in music. Fuck you Fate! Fuck you very much!

Back to Maria Callas. In the early years of her marriage with Giovan Battista Meneghini, they resided in this villa and invited many friends and important personalities such as Franco Zefirelli and the famous tenor singer Giuseppe di Stefano.





She loved this small marvellous town. She once said, “Vorrei terminare i miei giorni qui a Sirmione, in questo paradiso terrestre e qui essere sepolta (I would like to end my days here in Sirmione, in this earthly paradise and be buried here).” This was before she met another rich asshole in the person of Onassis.

Why did she love this small city by the lake?

Because of this interesting castle…. The Castello Scaligero, built by the noble family Scaligeri, Lords of Verona.






The boat rides….








A therapeutic bath. Do not try diving into the middle. It’s boiling hot.




A holy woman lived here….

This was the house of Benedetta Bianchi Porro. Now it's a hotel.




The streets are small but pretty….










The view of the lake. Serene. Beautiful. Poetic.










When she left Meneghini, she never went back to her beloved villa. But in her last years, she confided to one of our closest friends that she desired to be back to her beloved Sirmione.







Saturday, September 13, 2014

Overdrive Italia 2014- Fifth Day: A Pauper's One Day Trip to St. Moritz, Switzerland

From Brescia, we drove all the way to Tirano, a town near the border between Italy and Switzerland, somewhere in the Bernina Alps.


We started the day with a bright sky. Later on ganito na....


Ang kinatatakot namin noon ay ang umulan ng malakas. Kung mangyari yon hindi na kami matutuloy. Thank God nawala rin!


The Bernina Train at the Tirano train station. Meron express at meron na two-hour ride. We took the latter. Kaya two hours ang biyahe kasi mabagal lang ang takbo, for sight-seeing.



Off we go to the mountains....



My sister and her boyfriend. Sobrang sweet nasusuka nako.

The valley.... makes you wanna sing "The hills are alive with the sound of music..."


Miralago Lake, the lake concealed among the Alps....


One of the highest points of the mountains....

And here's a surprise..... a small cozy inn!






Finally in St. Moritz Station




St. Moritz is a place of luxury, a small luxurious city beside a lake.

Just imagine, this castle is the jewelry shop of Chopard...


Nice coffee shops in open space... again, ang magsyotang nakaka-diabetes


Here's another coffee shop. The lady standing beside the direction post is my mom. I'm not really sure what she's trying to achieve. I met my on the fourth day. Nagkita-kita na lang kami sa Salò at nagsama-sama na kami papunta dito.


Random buildings and houses you see around here...




Here's what I loved the most.... THEIR LIBRARY... IN THE VERY HEART OF THE CITY. This is how they treasure books and literature. Kudos St. Moritz!



View of the lake.... breath-taking scene...



Hindi na kami masyado nagtagal. Hindi na kakayanin ng euro namin. At least for a day nakatungtong din ng Switzerland.

ALAM NA. Hahahahaha!